I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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