Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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