I hate your face
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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