I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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