I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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