Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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