We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
