im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
