If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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