'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
