The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
