her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
