And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
