I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
