Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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