I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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