People in love make me want to vomit
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
