So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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