i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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