there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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