first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
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you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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