just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
