Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
