I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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