Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
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The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
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The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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