Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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