I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
