I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
