the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I could make wine with my vomit
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
