i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
