corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
