He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
