i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Randomize
