Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
