I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
