I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
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I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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