I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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