Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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