Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.