I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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