The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
