In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
