Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
