i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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