Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
