just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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