I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
whose parrot is this?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
