You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
