from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Randomize
