he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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