If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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