Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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