I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
