How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
