i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
