Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
not ubering you a puppy
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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