How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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