Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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